Lately I’ve been battling past demons that have come back to haunt me. They are not my demons but the demons of someone else. The demons of child protective services, the foster care system (prison) and being a foster child.
All the stories I’ve read lately, and even the stories sent to me privately from current and former foster children have begun to haunt me. It is one of those wounds that won’t heal because it hasn’t been fixed. IT HASN’T STOPPED!!
I remember being terrified. I remember not knowing who I could turn to or who I could trust. I remember crying myself to sleep. I remember I was actually getting counseling at the time but it was For the past abuse I’d gone through and didn’t mean anything to me cause it couldn’t stop the current abuse I was facing.
Even today I look at all the ad campaigns about reporting child abuse, telling children they have somewhere to turn to, someone that can help them and all I can think of is my life in foster care. Those campaigns are a lie.
In foster care you have no choice, you have no say in your OWN life. You live by the demands and self gratification of adults around you. And your just a puppet, a toy, nobody! You can scream as loud as you want that you don’t want to do this, you don’t want to take some drug and it doesn’t matter. It falls on deaf ears.
You have no idea how it feels to stand in a crowded room with people talking about how you know get the chance to be a child and you can’t scream out and call them all liars. You have no idea how it feels to be a child in a world dealing with enough pain to last you two lifetimes. While everyone smiles around you, you still must keep secrets.
Not allowed to tell anyone what’s really happening, not even allowed to be told what’s going to happen to you next because these are adult conversations and you don’t need to worry your child head about it.
IT WAS MY LIFE, MINE NOT THEIRS. THEY HAD NO IDEA. But as long as I was silent then everything must be fine so they’d leave me alone. So I stayed silent.
I believe Child protective services has become so hell bent on protecting its own image its lost sight on how to protect the children first. It’s become more of an infection then any child’s protection.
They say when you place your hand on a burner , you get burned and you learn not to do it again. But just like an abusive parent child protective services isn’t putting their hand on the burners they are putting children’s hands / lives into the fire so the only ones getting burned are the children. And child protective services, society, the ones in control aren’t learning anything except for how a child reacts to being burned.
I’m telling you now as a former foster child hearing the horror stories from current foster child nothing changed only the outside of the system looks different but on the inside its still just another abuser in control of children’s lives.
Thousands maybe millions of people are working together in the attempt to protect children but there can be no protection for a child when the system is rotten from the inside. To many people who abuse their powers have solidified their place inside of the system so even the ones with the best intentions are being used to perpetuate and continue the cycle of child abuse.